Tallyho
by jabbarulez
Summary: okay second attempt at a fanfic 18   advisable phycoticness harem in the future. As for the name i really couldn't think of one


Disclaimer- i do not own anything except OCs

I woke up in a dirty, straw covered floor jail cell. Oddly enough no rats… oh well better for me! I stood up and got off bed, really just a piece of canvas spread over the floor over in the corner, and looked around. Let's see… manacles on chains hanging from the ceiling, clay pitcher and cup, an odd assortment of bones… yup a jail cell.

As I did this the prisoner in the cell across from me started talking to me. Nasty little bugger. After the first couple words insulting me I tuned him out so I could look for a way out, a quick glance show that the only way in or out was the door with a small window on the wall about eight feet up. Nope not getting out either of those.

I sighed and turned my ears back on to ears just in time to hear my fellow inmate say something about the guards coming for me. Heh idiot- or so I thought until I heard the tramp of boots coming down the stairway.

'Oh shit! They really are coming for me! They only found me next to the body and I'm pretty sure the girl was killed by the knife and there was no knife anywhere close! Ah fu**! Ohshitohshitoh-'

I was interrupted by a man's voice commanding, "You, prisoner! Up against the wall by the window!"

Being myself, well my nice guy personality at least, I obeyed meekly and hurried to the wall. As I did so I took a good look at the party of guards. Two males, one female in officers armor with non-standard weaponry. As the one who had commanded me opened the cell door I saw that there was a fourth person in the party. Hmm… well dressed, gold encrusted ruby medallion and a… silver short sword? Who in the Abyss uses a silver short sword outside of a ceremony!

All four came into my cell and shut the door behind them. One of the guards said, "Stay put prisoner."

Peh! As if I needed to be reminded with these manacles on my wrists! Damn arrogant bastards and their lofty ideals.

The fourth member approached me and said, "You… let me see your face... yes you are the one from my dreams. The stars were right and this is the day. Gods give me strength!"

Okay, who's this nutcase? Some wannabe prophet? He seems familiar. Oh well better play dumb. "Huh? What's going on?"

"Assassins attacked my sons and I'm next. My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secrets escape route. By chance the entrance to that escape route leads through your cell."

Blades… Blades… where have I heard that before? I know it, it's right there at the edge of my mind. Ah well, better play along a little longer. Who knows? It might just come back to me! Let's go with the amnesia act… "Why am I in jail?"

"Perhaps the Gods have placed you here so that we may meet." Wow- someone thinks a little too high about themselves. "As for what you have done… it does not matter, for it is not what you shall be remembered for."

"Who are you?"

"I am your emperor, Uriel Septim. By the grace of the gods, I serve Tamriel as her ruler. You are a citizen of Tamriel, and you too shall serve her in your own way."

Click… and suddenly it all made sense. The Blades, the silver sword, the airy thoughts, the long windedness, the assassins and the… well what more was needed to make that point! And then I came to the point that really stuck in my craw! Me serving the realm! Laughable! I serve no one and I go out of my way to spite the realm! Ha! And before I had really thought about it my mouth was moving. "I go my own way."

"So do we all. But what path can be avoided whose end is fixed by the almighty gods."

At this point the female Blade interrupted, "Come sire we must hurry." As she said this she touched a stone on the false archway which slid in. the wall in the archway started trembling and suddenly slid to the side. She led the way down the newly revealed passage with the wizened has been and the two guards following her.

As a parting shot the last of the guards said, "Looks like today's your lucky day…scum."

Scum? Did he just call me scum? That little fucker! I'll castrate him, rape his significant other in front of him, torture her, kill her, rape her some more and then kill him! That'll show him scum! That'll show him I'm actually being pretty good right now!

While I was fuming at his… uncalled for name calling, my body was automatically following them so I could get out of this shite-hole. We exited the rough passage and entered a nicer looking passage way that looked like some halfway decent mason built it. The Blades and the emperor, who were by now a good dozen feet ahead of me, were walking down a set of stairs. The last guard, the one who hadn't talked to me yet, turned to me and pointed at the ground saying, "Stay here _prisoner_." He was sneering by the last part as he turned around and followed the rest of the group.

Stupid, arrogant, stuck up little prick! I'll stab you in the back first chance I get! Just you watch me! Then I'll pawn your body of to the lowest bidder just to spite you and yours! And like hell I'm going to wait here! I quickly intoned a quiet spell to turn myself invisible and followed them.

XXXXX-Memory-XXXXX

As I followed them I thought back to how I had gotten this particular spell. I'd been searching around in this wizard's tomb for a tenday and had found few things of value. Not that I was expecting much considering this particular tomb belonged to a third rate wizard who barely deserved the title! I had reached the last chamber of the tomb and thoroughly searched it when I kicked a semi loose stone and tripped. Good thing too! That damn stone triggered a battering ram trap. When I felt it go over my head I ducked lower. A second later the ram hit the far wall demolishing said wall it the process. I looked up and two thoughts went through my head. A; Goodies! And B; stupid wizard. Right there where the far wall once stood was a newly revealed chamber glowing in mage light!

I stood up and, being careful not to hit any more semi-loose stones, made my way over to the chamber. Inside was a small table with a chest and a small book on it. Of course, being me that is, I immediately tried the chest but, alas, it was locked. So then I went for the book. I picked it up and, finding no title, opened it up. After a few moments of scanning I went back to the front page and read its entirety.

_To whom-so-ever shall find this know that it is my lifes work and, though I may not seem like much as it resides in a tomb such as this, know it is a breakthrough in practical invisibility. More details reside inside the chest but first you have to prove yourself by using the spell located in the back of this book. Tallyho and good luck! _

I turned to the back of the book and found a unlocking charm. Thinking that it couldn't be too hard I memorized the spell and its instructions and cast it on the chest. As soon as the words left my mouth the chest clicked and popped open while I was hit with an ungodly amount of fatigue. I fell to the floor and lay there resting for a good hour or two. Finally having rested enough I stood and looked inside the chest. Sitting there on top of a few books was a note. Wearily I took it and read it,

_Ha! If you've gotten this far you must be a fantastic wizard or mage, either that or your insanely lucky! That unlocking spell was another invention of mine meant to unlock anything up to and including the Imperial Vault (this last bit is theory of course), using the casters raw mana so that's why it was so draining. Now, on to business. The two books below this note are my notes on using raw mana and the invisibility spell. Using raw mana might be more fatiguing but it has the ability to bend matter and more intricate flows of trained mana. As for the invisibility spell, well it's not really an invisibility spell inasmuch as it is a condensed form of several other spells combined. It is invisibility combined with intangibility, sense cancellation, all sight and weight limitation. Simply put no one can see, hear, smell, touch or even taste you! You can go through solid objects in your line of sight, which is drastically increased due to the all sight addition. Not only that but with the addition of weight limitation, which is really a misnomer for all it really does is adjust gravity, you can carry more! Additionally this spell can be cast on other inanimate objects to were the caster is the only one able to see them. That's makes it ideal for carrying large amounts of valuable items. Well I wish you well in your use of this spell and say yet again- Tallyho!_

I say again who let this nutcase be a mage? On a side note this will be really… useful, let's just leave it at that. Well now off to use my new toys was my thought as I wandered back to the tombs entrance.

XXXXX-Memory End-XXXXX

I followed them into a chamber that had a split stairway and a door on the far side. They started down the stairs when four freaks, for lack of a better word, dressed in robes and cowls underneath their obsidian black armor attacked them. The Blades sprung forth to do battle while the Emperor drew his sword yet fell back. Huh, at least he knows that a silver sword is going to be worthless in real combat.

The fight was over quickly unsurprisingly. I mean come on it was three of the empires elite versus four robed freaks! Though I was surprised to see that the female Blade had fallen. One of the guards came to the emperor and assured him that the fight was finished.

"And Captain Renault…?"

"She's dead sire. We must continue."

"..of course, all right Baurus."

They started down the stairs again and crossed to the door on the far side. As they unlocked the door one of the guards asked, "What happened to that prisoner?"

"He must still be standing where I told him to. I was actually kinda hoping he'd follow us so we could kill some scum."

"Yeah that'd be fun," as the second guard said this they finally unlocked the door and went through. I wait a few minutes and then try to follow them. No luck. Oh well might as well check the bodies and see how bad off the woman is. I check on the robed guys first and notice that their armor vanished when they died as did their weapons. Oh well not really my type any way. That said I check on the female blade. She's got a slice across the side of the neck but otherwise she's all good. YES! Score! I wonder how much I can get for a female blade on the market… that is if I don't keep her for myself. I took her weapons and armor leaving her semi-nude then placed my hands over her body, one at the slice on her neck and the other on her stomach and whispered several spells in quick succession, "Incantum cura totalus. Immobulus. Silencio."

I sat down suddenly extremely drained but hey, that's the cost of my magic. I sat there for a few moments letting the magic do its thing before I heard the scurrying of rats. Thinking it's no problem, I mean they are just rats right, I sat there still resting. I looked down the stairs and saw a rat the size of a FRICKIN' DOG standing down there and thought 'awwww shit!' I made a lunge for the katana from the Blade. The rat heard this and looked in my direction, and not seeing anything made a few 'cheeps' and 'chirps' then started in my direction. It was about half way up the stairs when two more rats the same size as it popped their disgusting heads out from whence they came. Again 'awwww shit.'

By the time I took this in the first rat had reached the top of the stairs. I, ungracefully, hacked its head off. Soon followed by the mutilated bodies of its brothers.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Omake time!

XX-1st rat POV-XX

'Wonder what's up here. FOOD! If I climbed up this damn hill for no reason I is going to be so grumpy! FOO-'

And the rat knew no more.

XX- other rats POV-XX

'Wonder whats up with Chubs?'

'Dunno. But if he made me get out of bed for nothing for nothing he's going to be sore in da morning!'

'Ah there he is. Whats up their Chu-AHHHH! Spoiled cheese possessed sharp thingy!'

'Huh, cheese? CHARGE!'

'No Shlubs! Not cheese... waits cheese? Waits for me Shlubs!'

SLASH! SHINK!

And thus ended part one of the Cheese Massacre.

XXXXXXXXXXX

R&R please so i know what you like and don't. If your waiting for more before deciding just say so. I'll come back to the female Blade next chapter.


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